My high school biology teacher, Mr. Aldridge, wanted us to call him "Coach," even though he was no longer a coach.
I don't remember how I came across this, but I found out he had a phone line with recorded Christian-themed stories. I called it church chat after Dana Carvey's SNL Church Lady show. The recording always began with his breath-held, nasal greeting, "He-llo, this is Coach." I used to call it all the time to abuse call-waiting so the phone wouldn't ring and clue my parents in on my late night conversations.
For a couple of classes he brought a puppet, whom also starred in his recorded church chat messages, to show off his ventriliquist skills. I don't remember if it was school or god related; I think I was in shock that a bunch of sophmores and juniors were being treated to a freaky puppet show. I took a basketball camp with him when I was in eighth grade, a venue where he would aptly go by Coach Aldridge, I think he found a way to haul out the dummy on that occasion--after I won the free-throw contest. Yes, I'm invoking my inner Al Bundy.
Sometimes he would stand up in front of the class with a yard stick and mindlessly pretend to strum it like a guitar while he coached biology. Inevitably, he would do a quick double strum and finish it off with a wide circular arm thrust that left his hand floating over his head.
Students could choose or were assigned different animals (snakes, a cayman, a chinchilla, fish, rats, a tarantula to name a few) to basically clean up after. Everyone but Ollie Stevens had a partner. Ollie had the tarantula--he had to wear a special glove to handle the arachnid. My partner, Darl, and I were in charge of the goldfish. We cleaned the tank. Coach told Darl and I how to siphon the water, but we weren't listening. I knew how to siphon another way from watching my neighbors empty their water bed with a garden hose. I sucked on the clear plastic tube and watched the nasty fish water go into my mouth. Everyone at my table and Coach witnessed this. One student squealed, Darl laughed and Ollie just shook his head. Coach was beside himself and asked me why I didn't use the other technique. I just stood over the sink spitting. I didn't really care, it got the job done.
One time a rat was missing from its cage. While I wasn't listening in class, I gazed at our fish tank that sat on our table. All of the sudden, I noticed a weird looking, pink, long thing was bobbing up and down. And then I noticed pink feet. I blurted out, "There's the rat!"
I don't remember how I came across this, but I found out he had a phone line with recorded Christian-themed stories. I called it church chat after Dana Carvey's SNL Church Lady show. The recording always began with his breath-held, nasal greeting, "He-llo, this is Coach." I used to call it all the time to abuse call-waiting so the phone wouldn't ring and clue my parents in on my late night conversations.
For a couple of classes he brought a puppet, whom also starred in his recorded church chat messages, to show off his ventriliquist skills. I don't remember if it was school or god related; I think I was in shock that a bunch of sophmores and juniors were being treated to a freaky puppet show. I took a basketball camp with him when I was in eighth grade, a venue where he would aptly go by Coach Aldridge, I think he found a way to haul out the dummy on that occasion--after I won the free-throw contest. Yes, I'm invoking my inner Al Bundy.
Sometimes he would stand up in front of the class with a yard stick and mindlessly pretend to strum it like a guitar while he coached biology. Inevitably, he would do a quick double strum and finish it off with a wide circular arm thrust that left his hand floating over his head.
Students could choose or were assigned different animals (snakes, a cayman, a chinchilla, fish, rats, a tarantula to name a few) to basically clean up after. Everyone but Ollie Stevens had a partner. Ollie had the tarantula--he had to wear a special glove to handle the arachnid. My partner, Darl, and I were in charge of the goldfish. We cleaned the tank. Coach told Darl and I how to siphon the water, but we weren't listening. I knew how to siphon another way from watching my neighbors empty their water bed with a garden hose. I sucked on the clear plastic tube and watched the nasty fish water go into my mouth. Everyone at my table and Coach witnessed this. One student squealed, Darl laughed and Ollie just shook his head. Coach was beside himself and asked me why I didn't use the other technique. I just stood over the sink spitting. I didn't really care, it got the job done.
One time a rat was missing from its cage. While I wasn't listening in class, I gazed at our fish tank that sat on our table. All of the sudden, I noticed a weird looking, pink, long thing was bobbing up and down. And then I noticed pink feet. I blurted out, "There's the rat!"
When we got to the evolution section of the biology book, he informed us that he wouldn't be teaching us that because he didn't believe in it. Everyone else in class was relieved to skip a chapter, but Ollie Stevens and I were bummed. We plucked off some beetles stuck on needles from Coach's insect collection and threw them in the trash to get back at him.
